Michelangelos make smart lovers

http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2009-12/nu-mms121609.php

Public release date: 16-Dec-2009
Contact: Pat Vaughan Tremmel
Northwestern University
Michelangelos make smart lovers
New study shows that partners sculpt each other to achieve their ideal selves

EVANSTON, Ill. --- Is that really Bob? You've seen him hundreds of mornings for the last 10 years at local coffee shops. Since he started dating Sara, he looks you in the eye -- and smiles. Sara takes every opportunity to let coffee shop cronies know that Bob is her guy and to gush about how funny he is. And he is. Who knew?

Think of Sara like Michelangelo chipping away at a block of marble to release the ideal figure slumbering within.

A new international review of seven papers on "the Michelangelo phenomenon" shows that when close partners affirm and support each other's ideal selves, they and the relationship benefit greatly.

"To the degree that the sculpting process has gone well, that you have helped mold me toward my ideal self, the relationship functions better and both partners are happier. And over the long term, I more or less come to reflect what my partner sees and elicits from me," said Eli Finkel, associate professor of psychology in the Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences at Northwestern University.

----- (skipping)

The Michelangelo effect is not simply about supporting your partner, nor is it about promoting what you think your partner's ideal self should be. "Even if partners treat us in perfectly loving, supportive ways, if the treatment is not consistent with the person we dream of becoming, we have to pay attention to those red flags," Finkel warned. "Is that the person you want to be married to 10 years down the road?"

The Michelangelo studies show that close partners sculpt one another's traits and skills and promote, versus inhibit, one another's goal achievement. "It's not just that you treat me positively," Finkel said. "You treat me in particular ways that dovetail with my ideal self."

----- (skipping)

Conversely, a relationship can run into trouble when an individual emphasizes attributes that are peripheral to the core elements of what a partner ideally wishes to become. Take Mary, a leading researcher and a beauty. If she prizes her scholarly accomplishments above her physical virtues, she will feel disaffirmed when her partner affectionately refers to her as his "Colorado cutie." What that term of endearment represents could ultimately doom the relationship.

Some people such as Sara, who is so warm and empathic, are better sculptors than others and are particularly adept at bringing out others' ideal selves. Some individuals may be on the verge of achieving great personal growth and be open to any number of people who could help them. And others, the studies show, may have a much more difficult time bringing out someone's ideal self or be much more resistant to the Michelangelo effect.

----- (skipping)

"When deciding on a life partner, we consider many factors," Finkel observed. "But we frequently neglect to think about whether the person I hope to be in 10 years is consistent with the person you want me to be in 10 years. When our partners can chisel and polish us in a way that helps us to achieve our ideal self, that's a wonderful thing."