New study finds our desire for 'like-minded others' is hard-wired

http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2016-02/wc-nsf022216.php

Public Release: 23-Feb-2016
New study finds our desire for 'like-minded others' is hard-wired
Efforts to get partners to change could be futile, even detrimental
Wellesley College

A path-breaking new study on how we seek similarity in relationships, co-authored by researchers at Wellesley College and the University of Kansas, upends the idea that "opposites attract," instead suggesting we're drawn to people who are like-minded. The study could lead to a fundamental change in understanding relationship formation--and it sounds a warning for the idea that couples can change each other over time.

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In what might be considered a paradigm shift, the study's most surprising finding may be that people in relationships do not change each other over time. Instead, Bahns and Crandall's evidence places new emphasis on the earliest moments of a relationship--revealing that future friends or partners are already similar at the outset of their social connection, a major new finding, say the authors.

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Bahns adds, "Though the idea that partners influence each other is central in relationships research, we have identified a large domain in which friends show very little change-- personality, attitudes and values, and a selection of socially-relevant behaviors." She explains, "To be clear, we do not mean to suggest that social influence doesn't happen in relationships; however, there's little room for influence to occur when partners are similar at the outset of relationships."

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Bahns and Crandall stress the research shows people are not seeking shared similarity on one or two particular topics. "People are more similar than chance on almost everything we measure, and they are especially similar on the things that matter most to them personally," Bahns said.

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"In a smaller study that led up to this one, we looked at students at KU, a big state university, and several smaller colleges in western and central Kansas," Crandall said. "At KU, people found people who were more similar to themselves than at small colleges, where there just aren't as many choices in friends. At small colleges friends were less similar--but just as close and satisfied, and spent the same amount of time together. We know that people pick similar people at first, but if you go out of your way you can find excellent friends, and meaningful relationships, with people who are different."

Such dissimilar friends didn't necessarily blend their points-of-view over time, the study showed. "Anything that disrupts the harmony of the relationship--such as areas of disagreement, especially on attitudes, values, or preferences that are important--is likely to persist," said Bahns. She added this could be a "cautionary message" for those who think they can change their friends or romantic partners: "Change is difficult and unlikely; it's easier to select people who are compatible with your needs and goals from the beginning."

The researchers said the quest for similarity in friends could result in a lack of exposure to other ideas, values and perspectives. "Getting along with people who aren't like you is really useful," said Crandall. "Friends are for comfort, taking it easy, relaxing, not being challenged -- and those are good things. But you can't have only that need. You also need new ideas, people to correct you when you're loony. If you hang out only with people who are loony like you, you can be out of touch with the big, beautiful diverse world." Bahns notes the drive toward similarity presents the drawback of "limited exposure to different ideas and beliefs" along with rewards like "stability of identity, value systems, and ideology."

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