Want to Make Difficult Conversations Easy? Try This 1 Counterintuitive Trick

https://www.inc.com/scott-mautz/want-to-make-difficult-conversations-easy-try-this-1-counterintuitive-trick-according-to-psychology.html?utm_source=pocket-newtab

By Scott Mautz

No one looks forward to a difficult conversation, whether it's with a troubling co-worker, a toxic boss, family, friends, or anyone else. We fear the consequences of having that discussion, picture the anger that might come spewing out, and even feel a pit in our stomach about the whole matter.

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I was recently having a discussion with a coaching client about a tough conversation she needed to have and she mentioned the work of psychologist Dr. Albert Bernstein and his classic 1998 book, Dinosaur Brains.

I was immediately taken by one counterintuitive finding Bernstein shares.
Having a difficult conversation doesn't mean you have to talk very much.

For tough conversations I always pictured having to outline all the things I would say, all the counter arguments I could make, all the pointed statements to share.

Wrong approach.

Bernstein says it's far more important to listen, reflect, and observe. The more you listen, the more likely it is that they will.

And you get more of an opportunity to listen by asking fair questions rather than thinking of the next statement you're going to make. I applied this immediately to a tough conversation I had to have. I set aside all the statements and points I wanted to make, and focused on listening and asking questions in response. I found the other party was much more willing to listen right back. I'm 100 percent certain it led to a better outcome.

Bernstein also says it's important not to fall into a common trap where you're doing too much explaining. Explaining comes across as a veiled form of fighting back. It introduces unnecessary tension into the discussion. You're much better off asking questions. And as you listen to their answers, it's important to show empathy and try to truly understand, not judge. Ask yourself ,"Why are they saying this?"

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Finally, when it comes to talking less and listening more, that includes at the end of your conversation, too. It's important to let them have the last word and resist the temptation to insert a last second barb that will literally undo all the progress you will have just made.

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