A Risk in Caring for Abusive Parents

People who were abusive to their children often continue to be abusive after the children are grown, so a care-giving child has to endure more abuse. And people can be abusive to their own family, and charming to people outside the family.

http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/01/20/a-risk-in-caring-for-abusive-parents/?partner=MYWAY&ei=5065

January 20, 2014
By PAULA SPAN

Who could condemn someone for staying far away from a parent, even an ailing or dying parent, who mistreated him or her as a child? The last time I wrote about this emotional subject, most readers understood that response. Many who had suffered through similar experiences said they had taken the same stance.

“He was a terrible father and mean, so I didn’t feel bad about moving out of state a few years before he died,” wrote Murre from Alaska. “I was glad not to see him anymore and relieved when he died.”

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Yet we also heard from people who had agreed to become caregivers even if their parents had been, or remained, abusive.

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We know relatively little about how many adults become caregivers for abusive or neglectful parents, or about why they choose to — or not to. But thanks to a recent study, we can see that those who report having endured childhood maltreatment are particularly vulnerable to depression if they later care for their parents.

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The researchers divided their sample into three categories: those with no history of childhood abuse or neglect; those who had been abused and were caring for their non-abusive parent; and those who had been abused and were, to borrow the study’s memorable title, “caring for my abuser.” They also compared caregivers neglected as children with those who were not neglected.

Those who had been abused or neglected were more likely to have symptoms of depression — like lack of appetite, insomnia, trouble concentrating, sadness and lethargy — than those who had not been. No surprise there, perhaps.

But the link was strongest for the third category. “The key was caring for the abusive parent,” said the lead author, Jooyoung Kong, a doctoral candidate in social work. Years later, “they are still affected. They’re more depressed.”

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But the study does indicate that caregivers with a history of maltreatment should be aware of the risk they are taking — and, if the strain of caregiving becomes overwhelming, the increased risk that they will abuse their charges, perpetuating a sorrowful cycle.

“It’s such an untenable position to be placed in,” Dr. Moorman said. “My guess is, people only do it if they’re forced to, if there’s no one else to do it.” People in that situation should “be aware of the signs and symptoms of depression,” she said, and seek therapy or find a support group.

The rest of us are hardly in a position to judge those who walk away. But our society’s overreliance on unpaid family caregiving can make that difficult to do. As Dr. Moorman pointed out, “Not only nice people get old.”

tags: child abuse