The Cure for Toxic Positivity

https://forge.medium.com/the-cure-for-toxic-positivity-155278b7daaa

Rebecca Renner
Oct. 4, 2019

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But that relentless focus on positivity — what Kate Bowler, a Duke Divinity School professor and former cancer patient, described in her memoir Everything Happens for a Reason as “the tyranny of prescriptive joy” — isn’t just ineffective. Research has shown that it’s actually harmful.

One 2012 study found that encouraging people to push away their negative emotions often has the opposite effect, making them feel bad about feeling bad, in addition to whatever else they were already going through. A 2005 study found that relentlessly focusing on the positive during times of stress — what the authors call “avoidance coping” — increased the risk of depressive symptoms later on. And there are plenty of other examples out there pointing to the same conclusion: Forced positivity often leaves us worse off.

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“Offering up toxic positivity like ‘look on the bright side’ or ‘it could be worse!’ often just makes the other person feel invalidated, creating a wedge between the two of you.”

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When you’re watching someone suffer, though, how do you know when your well-intended support has become something more insidious?

The answer can be surprisingly simple.

Be conscious of how your friends react to your encouragement

If what you’re saying makes them smile or perk up, you probably aren’t forcing positivity on them. If, on the other hand, words of encouragement shut down conversations or seem to make them withdraw, that’s a sign that your sunny attitude is misplaced.

Think, too, about what they seem to need in the moment

Are they asking for a pep talk? Or are they looking for a place to vent or cry? It can be uncomfortable to simply sit with someone else’s emotions, rather than reaching for a solution. But often, that’s what’s necessary. Shift your focus: Listen to understand instead of listening to respond.
Ask questions that help your friend or loved one develop the story they’re telling

Something as simple as, “How did you feel?” can be validating. It lets them acknowledge and share their experience with the problem they’re facing. And then, instead of offering a positive cliche, say something that clearly communicates that you see what they’re going through. They can’t shut their eyes and pretend the problem doesn’t exist; show them that you won’t, either.

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